COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH
"Emotions? Oh that thing. Ya I have emotions. Duh."
"So what are you feeling right now?"
« Good »
"Can you be more specific?"
"Ummm... You know I'm fine. I'm great"
"Right, now if I tell you that "good", "great", "fine" are not real emotions... What are you feeling?"
"I guess I don't know..."
"That's alright. Here's a list of emotions. Maybe this helps..."
"Oh wow, so many feelings. I don't have a clue what I am feeling. I really don't know..."
That's more or less the dialogue that helped me realize, that although I am human and I knew I had feelings, I was totally out of touch with them. How do you really know what you are feeling?
I then realized that I hadn't ever consciously felt. What I thought were my feelings were actually my thoughts about what I believed I should feel, based on the situation I was in. Sometimes that was pretty uncomfortable, because what I thought I should feel, maybe didn't match how I felt and so I just pushed myself to focus on the feeling I should have. The ‘right’ feeling. What I thought would be ‘normal’ to feel.
Ya, that didn't work so well for me. I was lying to myself and trying to convince myself of what I should feel. I was a bit of a feelings dictator. I didn't have a relationship with my feelings. Well, not a very nice relationship. If you think about it, I was ignoring them, telling them what they should be or do, I didn't listen to them for even a second. I thought I had it all figured out, I knew it all better and honestly, who wants a friend or to live with someone like that? I totally ignored, invalidated my feelings and ended up alienating them. Ultimately, I was disconnected from my feelings.
Just as that would not be a healthy relationship to have with a friend or partner, it's not a healthy relationship for us to have with our emotions. I wasn't trying to be mean or to do something stupid, I honestly just didn't know any better.
My long journey since then has made me realize that it doesn’t have to be like that. Want to know how to build a healthy relationship with your emotions and what you could get out of it? Read Building a Relationship with your Emotions
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