The power of communicating our true feelings

The power of communicating our true feelings - Feeling Magnets


There is great power in communicating our authentic feelings with others. The first step is to recognize our feelings ourselves (here some help with that: The Secret Techniques to Figure Out What You Feel) and then after to consciously share them when appropriate.

When I say « consciously share our emotions » I don’t mean an emotional outburst or telling someone they made you feel furious, disappointed or afraid. When I mean is that we share how we are feeling in a way where we are not blaming the other, but simply sharing what is going on for us. Nobody else is responsible for how we feel but us. Nobody can make us feel something. Yes, that’s maybe not what it seems like in the moment... Let me explain.

Our feelings come from our thoughts, our beliefs and how we interpret what is happening around us. So yes someone might do something that upsets us, but it’s how we are interpreting what they do and what we believe about it that brings up our feelings. If we looked at what a person was doing through different lenses or from a different perspective, we may very well feel differently about it. When we take responsibility for how we feel, we are also taking back our power over our feelings. Blaming others means we are giving away our power.

Sharing our true feelings with someone actually may leave us feeling quite vulnerable and exposed. There is a chance that the other person may respond defensively or even aggressively. But there is also a chance that the person will recognize and respect the step we are taking towards a deeper and truer connection with them. More often than not this type of communication, which is confident, calm, clear, controlled and sometimes referred to as assertive communication, is the way that leads to the best results in communication and relationships.


Four steps to assertive communication:

  1. Describe the situation to the person concerned in the most neutral and objective way possible. Stick to the facts (who, what, when, where) and stay specific without exaggerating.
  1. Clarify what you are feeling and share this with the person concerned. Ex. « I am feeling resentful, enraged and shocked right now because I am telling myself… (describe what thoughts are going on in your mind about the situation at hand). Start your sentences with “I” not “you” when explaining what is going on for you. 
  1. Describe what you would need or want in this current situation. Ex. « What is really important to me is… I’d like to ask you to… » and explain how you would feel or act as a consequence. Ex. “I would feel...”
  1. Give the other person the chance to process what you have just told him/her and if necessary clarify that you are not blaming them for how you feel but that you are simply sharing with them what is going on for you.

It may seem a bit clunky and awkward to communicate this way at the beginning but it does get easier and more natural especially when you see the positive impact this type of communication can have on your relationships.

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